Lakeland Mirror

Issue date: 4/3/03 Section: Features

America has some trusty new allies in Operation Iraqi freedom. They are smooth-skinned, soft to the touch, smell like fish and have big puppy dog eyes and a blow hole. No, I'm not talking about the French; I'm talking about our seaborne buddies, dolphins and sea lions.

According to the "Seattle Post," marine mammals have been trained by the U.S Navy to detect underwater mines and are being used in the port of Umm Qasr, outside of Iraq, to clear the way for humanitarian efforts coming in by ship. Because of their complex and accurate sonar signals, it's possible for marine mammals to detect underwater objects that humans can't uncover in murky water. When they do so they are trained to signal the find and get away.

Surprisingly, the military, specifically the Navy, has been using marine mammals for war missions beginning as early as the Vietnam War. In that war they were used to send warning signs of imposters near the coast and to apprehend underwater swimmers and divers that may have been a threat to the Navy. They also cleared the port of Bahrin of landmines and other potential danger.

A zoologist in California says the gestures that the animals are trained to do mimic their natural movement but are somewhat exaggerated so they are perceived to be a signal. In other words the occasional beluga leaps onto shore and locks and loads an M-16 assault rifle and goes to town. Although that is rather rare, the really smart ones can drive tanks.

Along with the dolphins (obviously not French) detecting mines, according to an Indiana newspaper, sea lions are used to chase a suspect from the water on to dry land and then warn of his or her presence with a loud honking. MSNBC tells us that the sea lions can run just as fast, if not faster, than humans.

How scary would that be? You're an Iraqi soldier sitting in a bunker on a beach thinking that all is right with the world when suddenly a bottle-nosed dolphin named "K-dog" bounds into your fox hole and starts squealing and squeaking, calling the army and his fellow friends to his side. Before you know it, the 101st Seaborne Dolphin infantry unit has you trapped in a net and is creating parks all over the world called "Land World." There you are trained to leap through hoops, play with big red balls, sing, and dance in front of a full house of fish. When your routine is over your dolphin masters toss you slices of pizza for a job well done.

This rather unconventional yet practical assault tactic of our Navy got me thinking about a few other strategies that other branches of service could implement in the war in Iraq. According to the "Guinness Book of World Records," the world's fastest bird is the spur wing goose, which can soar at up to 110 miles per hour. Hey, we have access to thousands of geese here at Lakeland; maybe we really can do our part in the war effort. All we have to do is duct tape a few "bunker buster" bombs to these bad boys and let them level Saddam's living room.

If the war were taking place a little further south, the U.S Marine core could train kangaroos to send devastating blows to Iraqis with their stellar boxing ability. This way they could weaken them up so that when the wallabies are sent in victory is assured.

One thing is for sure, the U.S military is doing an amazing job over there. Our thoughts and prayers are with them and I hope the Navy continues to serve such a great porpoise. Please contact me if you see any geese around campus that seem battle-ready.

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