2008 Woodie Awards
Reed all about it
Saddam Hussein: Who's your Baghdaddy?
Reed Stratton
Issue date: 4/24/03 Section: Features
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According to the Associated Press, while checking houses in an upscale
neighborhood on April 12, soldiers stumbled upon a "safe house" of Saddam Hussein decked in slick pimp style.
The 60's style retro residence was complete with mirrored bedroom walls, lamps shaped like women and even a garden of plastic plants. On the walls of the pad were pictures of topless beauties grappling with mystical beasts like dragons, serpents and French President, Jaques Shirak. There was also several Iraqi emblems and governmental seals on the walls. The kitchen, which sunk about five inches below the floor, had a wet bar fully loaded with 20 year-old Italian wine, gold-lined cognac, brandy and scotch whiskey. There was also a set of dishes etched with the Iraqi seal and a gold-patterned rim.
On the kitchen table there was a book titled "Running a Country for Dummies." Okay, maybe not that. I just got a little carried away. In the bathroom of the house-or perhaps "Baathroom" to Hussein-was none other than a whirlpool and a marble cupboard. Some sources are also saying that there was an extensive collection of
colognes in the cupboard marked by a tattered piece of masking tape with, "Saddam's pimp juice and motion lotion" scribbled on it.
The marines who invaded the happenin' habitat found several pictures of Hussein with women. One of them was supposedly his wife, while the other was his mistress, Parisoula Lampsos who escaped to Lebanon in 2002. It's also reported that there was a third picture, this one a promotional cardboard cut-out of Beyonce Knowles' character in "Austin Powers 3."
One particular picture featured a scantily clad Arabic woman. This offended several Iraqis.
"I saw her eye, her whole eye, and even a little cheek," a shaken up Iraqi man stammered in a recent interview, covering his little boys face with his hand.
In a separate room and a more serious discovery, soldiers found more than 6,000 Beretta pistols, 650 Sig Sauer pistols, 248 colt revolvers, 160 Belgian 7.65mm pistols, 12 cases of Sterling machine guns, a pack of Tic Tacs, and four cases of anti tank missiles all unopened and in original casing.
In addition to the actual findings in Hussein's house, reports indicate a shoebox covered in fuzzy leopard print plush under the bed. A possible "pimp kit," it contained freedom tickler condoms, bath and body works massage lotions (cotton blossom if anyone was wondering), a few pairs of velvet bikini briefs and an extensive collection of Peter Gabriel and Marvin Gaye albums translated to Arabic.