2008 Woodie Awards
One-Minute Movies
Matt Schenk
Issue date: 2/19/04 Section: Fun House
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There are a lot of movies out there, and some of them are pretty long. Who has the time to sit through them all? Well, that's where One-Minute Movies comes in! I take movies of all sorts (new and old, good and American Wedding); then I cut out all the filler (and, believe me, sometimes there can be quite a lot of it), leaving just the essential stuff.
One-Minute Movies lets you experience the entire however-long movie, in just a minute OR LESS! It also saves you from sitting through atrociously awful ones.
So, heat up some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show!
"The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" (Theatrical Version) (2001)
Tom Bombadil (singing): "Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dill--!" WHACK!!! Liv Tyler clobbers him over the head with a lead pipe.
Liv Tyler with Elf ears: "MORE SCREEN TIME FOR ME!!" She disposes the body.
***
Glorfindel: "I have to find Frodo with all haste!" WHACK!!!
Liv Tyler clobbers him over the head with a lead pipe.
Liv Tyler with Elf ears: "MORE SCREEN TIME FOR ME!!" She disposes the body. Then she steals Glorfindel's horse and goes to look for Frodo herself.
***
Vital Plot and Character Development: "Hi. People who haven't read the book NEED this stuff to be in the movie." WHACK!!! Liv Tyler clobbers plot and character development over the head with a lead pipe.
Liv Tyler with Elf ears: "MORE SCREEN TIME FOR ME!!"
Director Peter Jackson: "Don't worry. It will all be included in the Special Extended Edition DVD. Available for 30 bucks at..." (The End)
"She's All That" (1999)
Female Lead: "Woe is me! I must be the ugliest girl in our high school! No one will ever love me!"
Freddie Prinze Jr.: "Wash your hair and take off your glasses."
Female Lead: "It worked! You have changed me into a supermodel! I love you!"
Freddie Prinze Jr.: "I love you, too! Let's hold hands and giggle like school children!"
The Audience: "Whatever. The ugliest girl in our high school looked like King Kong." (The End)
"Open Range" (2003)
Kevin Costner (no change in his voice whatsoever): "Okay, let's go get the cows. Okay, here we are, getting the cows. Yep, that's what we're doing, all right. We're getting the cows. Wait a minute; some people are in the way. [Bang, bang.] Okay, they're out of the way. Off we go again, getting the cows. Ho hum. Yep, this is all we're doing; just getting the cows. This is the life, all right. Wait a minute; some plot is in the way. We can't have that. [Bang, bang.] Okay, the plot's out of the way. All right, off we go again to get the cows. Yep, we're getting the cows. That's all we're doing. All we're doing is getting the cows." (The End...I WISH!) "Ho hum. Yep, this is the life. Going to get the cows is the life. If it weren't the life, then I wouldn't have said it is." (The End)
One-Minute Movies lets you experience the entire however-long movie, in just a minute OR LESS! It also saves you from sitting through atrociously awful ones.
So, heat up some popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show!
"The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" (Theatrical Version) (2001)
Tom Bombadil (singing): "Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dill--!" WHACK!!! Liv Tyler clobbers him over the head with a lead pipe.
Liv Tyler with Elf ears: "MORE SCREEN TIME FOR ME!!" She disposes the body.
***
Glorfindel: "I have to find Frodo with all haste!" WHACK!!!
Liv Tyler clobbers him over the head with a lead pipe.
Liv Tyler with Elf ears: "MORE SCREEN TIME FOR ME!!" She disposes the body. Then she steals Glorfindel's horse and goes to look for Frodo herself.
***
Vital Plot and Character Development: "Hi. People who haven't read the book NEED this stuff to be in the movie." WHACK!!! Liv Tyler clobbers plot and character development over the head with a lead pipe.
Liv Tyler with Elf ears: "MORE SCREEN TIME FOR ME!!"
Director Peter Jackson: "Don't worry. It will all be included in the Special Extended Edition DVD. Available for 30 bucks at..." (The End)
"She's All That" (1999)
Female Lead: "Woe is me! I must be the ugliest girl in our high school! No one will ever love me!"
Freddie Prinze Jr.: "Wash your hair and take off your glasses."
Female Lead: "It worked! You have changed me into a supermodel! I love you!"
Freddie Prinze Jr.: "I love you, too! Let's hold hands and giggle like school children!"
The Audience: "Whatever. The ugliest girl in our high school looked like King Kong." (The End)
"Open Range" (2003)
Kevin Costner (no change in his voice whatsoever): "Okay, let's go get the cows. Okay, here we are, getting the cows. Yep, that's what we're doing, all right. We're getting the cows. Wait a minute; some people are in the way. [Bang, bang.] Okay, they're out of the way. Off we go again, getting the cows. Ho hum. Yep, this is all we're doing; just getting the cows. This is the life, all right. Wait a minute; some plot is in the way. We can't have that. [Bang, bang.] Okay, the plot's out of the way. All right, off we go again to get the cows. Yep, we're getting the cows. That's all we're doing. All we're doing is getting the cows." (The End...I WISH!) "Ho hum. Yep, this is the life. Going to get the cows is the life. If it weren't the life, then I wouldn't have said it is." (The End)