2008 Woodie Awards
Shenanigans with the Hooligan
Eat and Flee
Issue date: 2/19/04 Section: Fun House
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I would have to say that one of my favorite columns in the Mirror is "Fat Man on Food" by Justin Lyman. I think it's a great idea to review restaurants around the area; I get tired of raiding the same old dumpsters behind Shoney's. I like variety; it's the potpourri of life.
There seems to be a series of crackdowns on restaurant dumpsters these days. Security is getting so tight that even the Mission Impossible team would have a difficult time getting their hands on a thrown away Baja Chalupa from Taco Bell. Well maybe I'm over-exaggerating. Taco Bell wouldn't waste food. Nonetheless, it is hard work to "dine out," and I'm tired of sharing my spoils with the village bum, Piddle (he wets himself...frequently). So every now and then, I come in from the cold and treat myself to freshly cooked cuisine. Obviously I can't afford to pay for it. I'm a college student. The little bit of money that I get from donating plasma every week goes directly to the "getting sloshed" fund. Instead of footing the bill I hightail out of there. This method of bill dodging is commonly referred to as the "Dine and Ditch" or, as I like to call it, the "Eat and Flee."
Now I know a lot of readers are thinking that this concept is outrageous, immoral, and flat out wrong. Nonsense. It's perfectly alright to sprint like hell out of a joint after inhaling a large quantity of food. Most places even condone it. Just look at the name of the new addition to Lakeland's food service "Grab-n-Go." Any money given to the cashier is considered a donation.
It also promotes good health. Do you honestly think that Jared, who by the way was a college student at the time, lost all that weight by eating six inch veggie subs at Subway everyday? Of course he didn't; he would pound down a foot long meatball sub with extra bacon smothered in mayonnaise, a bag of Nacho Cheesier Doritos, maybe a couple of M&M cookies, and wash it all down with a 64oz bucket of Mountain Dew. Then he burned off the calories as the manager chased him down the street for using counterfeited Subway sandwich club cards. This is how the saying "Eat fresh" was coined, because nothing tastes fresher than food you didn't pay for. I imagine that he probably got caught a lot at first (after all he did weigh over 400 pounds), but no charges were ever brought against him, hence the slogan, "It's OK. I had..." well you know how it goes.
Unfortunately, if you're going to apply the "eat and flee" method, you have to be prepared to face the consequences. I got caught, and I'm writing this article from a jail cell that I'm sharing with Piddle. I'm praying that someone bails me out soon, because Piddle just peed on himself again.
There seems to be a series of crackdowns on restaurant dumpsters these days. Security is getting so tight that even the Mission Impossible team would have a difficult time getting their hands on a thrown away Baja Chalupa from Taco Bell. Well maybe I'm over-exaggerating. Taco Bell wouldn't waste food. Nonetheless, it is hard work to "dine out," and I'm tired of sharing my spoils with the village bum, Piddle (he wets himself...frequently). So every now and then, I come in from the cold and treat myself to freshly cooked cuisine. Obviously I can't afford to pay for it. I'm a college student. The little bit of money that I get from donating plasma every week goes directly to the "getting sloshed" fund. Instead of footing the bill I hightail out of there. This method of bill dodging is commonly referred to as the "Dine and Ditch" or, as I like to call it, the "Eat and Flee."
Now I know a lot of readers are thinking that this concept is outrageous, immoral, and flat out wrong. Nonsense. It's perfectly alright to sprint like hell out of a joint after inhaling a large quantity of food. Most places even condone it. Just look at the name of the new addition to Lakeland's food service "Grab-n-Go." Any money given to the cashier is considered a donation.
It also promotes good health. Do you honestly think that Jared, who by the way was a college student at the time, lost all that weight by eating six inch veggie subs at Subway everyday? Of course he didn't; he would pound down a foot long meatball sub with extra bacon smothered in mayonnaise, a bag of Nacho Cheesier Doritos, maybe a couple of M&M cookies, and wash it all down with a 64oz bucket of Mountain Dew. Then he burned off the calories as the manager chased him down the street for using counterfeited Subway sandwich club cards. This is how the saying "Eat fresh" was coined, because nothing tastes fresher than food you didn't pay for. I imagine that he probably got caught a lot at first (after all he did weigh over 400 pounds), but no charges were ever brought against him, hence the slogan, "It's OK. I had..." well you know how it goes.
Unfortunately, if you're going to apply the "eat and flee" method, you have to be prepared to face the consequences. I got caught, and I'm writing this article from a jail cell that I'm sharing with Piddle. I'm praying that someone bails me out soon, because Piddle just peed on himself again.