2008 Woodie Awards
Bad Apples
President? I've got it all figured out.
Corey Kempf
Issue date: 3/4/04 Section: Fun House
- Page 1 of 1
For this article, I debated long and hard with myself about whether or not to discuss if Diet Coke really is for fat people as self-proclaimed, stereotypical blonde Paris Hilton says or whether or not Mentos really is the "fresh-maker," but then again these topics are rather puerile, and I don't feel like being bombarded by "like" and "hello" for hours on end while reading her new book. (And to think, the mention of Paris Hilton writing a book could actually be considered a punch line.)
I've decided to tackle a much larger topic: the elections! They are approaching quicker and quicker, and one thing has become clear to me: it's not about what your platforms are; it's about how well you can make things sound a lot worse than they really are. This is why I want to run for president: If I don't, we're all doomed.
George W. Bush is a genius when it comes to this, albeit not much else, but that's what I'm talking about. For example, in his 2004 State of the Union Address, he explained how Iraq had the capability of producing numerous biological weapons. It sounds scary doesn't it? But wait! "Capability?" That means they don't actually have them; they just probably have the resources to accomplish that goal. It sounded a lot worse than it actually was, correct?
One topic of debate these days is the right for gays to marry. If Bush uses this tactic, he'd say something like, "If we don't stop gay marriages, our children will have the capability of becoming gay themselves! Vote Bush in 2004!" As sad as the fact may be, this statement would send many Americans into fits, except his fellow right-wingers who are already nuts to begin with.
Let's move on to another topic: the continuing of our space program. Wait, scratch that; it's useless. I mean, sure there's water on Mars, but it's ice. If I wanted to go to a barren, wasteland of ice, I'd go to Antarctica. I can't even say, "If we don't go to Mars, we'd lose out big time," because we wouldn't be losing out on anything!
But see, I can be different from Bush. The difference is simple. I know how to draw the line, whereas he doesn't. For example, his Homeland Security act. "If you don't approve this bill, you're all going to die! So give me more tax money!" is basically the premise for this little gem. And frankly, I haven't felt any more secure.
Or take for instance, his favorite word: "terrorist." It's become so bad that I think I heard somewhere that he actually said, "If you don't flush your toilet, you might be a terrorist."
So, when you are in the booth in 2020, remember this article, and if I'm not already on the ballot, write me in. If you don't, you might be a terrorist.
I've decided to tackle a much larger topic: the elections! They are approaching quicker and quicker, and one thing has become clear to me: it's not about what your platforms are; it's about how well you can make things sound a lot worse than they really are. This is why I want to run for president: If I don't, we're all doomed.
George W. Bush is a genius when it comes to this, albeit not much else, but that's what I'm talking about. For example, in his 2004 State of the Union Address, he explained how Iraq had the capability of producing numerous biological weapons. It sounds scary doesn't it? But wait! "Capability?" That means they don't actually have them; they just probably have the resources to accomplish that goal. It sounded a lot worse than it actually was, correct?
One topic of debate these days is the right for gays to marry. If Bush uses this tactic, he'd say something like, "If we don't stop gay marriages, our children will have the capability of becoming gay themselves! Vote Bush in 2004!" As sad as the fact may be, this statement would send many Americans into fits, except his fellow right-wingers who are already nuts to begin with.
Let's move on to another topic: the continuing of our space program. Wait, scratch that; it's useless. I mean, sure there's water on Mars, but it's ice. If I wanted to go to a barren, wasteland of ice, I'd go to Antarctica. I can't even say, "If we don't go to Mars, we'd lose out big time," because we wouldn't be losing out on anything!
But see, I can be different from Bush. The difference is simple. I know how to draw the line, whereas he doesn't. For example, his Homeland Security act. "If you don't approve this bill, you're all going to die! So give me more tax money!" is basically the premise for this little gem. And frankly, I haven't felt any more secure.
Or take for instance, his favorite word: "terrorist." It's become so bad that I think I heard somewhere that he actually said, "If you don't flush your toilet, you might be a terrorist."
So, when you are in the booth in 2020, remember this article, and if I'm not already on the ballot, write me in. If you don't, you might be a terrorist.