2008 Woodie Awards
Aliens plan demise of LC
Lakeland construction a ruse for planetary destruction
David Mikalowsky
Issue date: 9/23/04 Section: Fun House
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As I'm sure all of you already know, Lakeland College is in the process of constructing a new dormitory and updating the Wehr Center. These improvements are designed to bring more students to the college, as well as to make the campus more functional to those students already here. This however, is only a smidgen of the actual reason that Lakeland is spending umpteen-million dollars on the project.
The rest of the story takes us to the faraway galaxy of Smlghs-X9. [Insert eerie yet inspiring space travel music here.] In this humble galaxy there lies a small planet, roughly analogous to earth. Its name is unimportant, especially since it is harder to pronounce than the name of the galaxy. That's right kids, harder to pronounce than a galaxy whose name has no vowels! Anyway, this planet, lets call it Bob, has a horde of citizens who are slowly overrunning the planet. This is indeed a predicament. So, they plan to journey to another planet and colonize it, in order to unburden their planet of its burgeoning populace.
So, I suppose you now assume that I will tell you about their fool-proof plans to colonize earth, right? Wrong! They didn't plan on colonizing earth at all. So, you ask why should we give a damn about their race? Because they ended up here, that's why. It is said that the best discoveries are accidental. It seems that that saying also applies to interstellar invasion plans. *Author shrugs* Oh well.
I'd like to warn you that what you are about to read details skims over the invasion plans of the planet Bob and its leader Aiiiiieoguuuoiasaret. (Trust me, his name is easier to say than the name of their planet, even if it does sound like that noise Xena, Warrior Princess used to make all the time.) These plans aren't confirmed by any source you might encounter on this planet...well, 'cept me.
To the plans: [Insert a drum solo of introduction here] "Bum bum-bum..." whoops, I guess the drumming is over.
The rest of the story takes us to the faraway galaxy of Smlghs-X9. [Insert eerie yet inspiring space travel music here.] In this humble galaxy there lies a small planet, roughly analogous to earth. Its name is unimportant, especially since it is harder to pronounce than the name of the galaxy. That's right kids, harder to pronounce than a galaxy whose name has no vowels! Anyway, this planet, lets call it Bob, has a horde of citizens who are slowly overrunning the planet. This is indeed a predicament. So, they plan to journey to another planet and colonize it, in order to unburden their planet of its burgeoning populace.
So, I suppose you now assume that I will tell you about their fool-proof plans to colonize earth, right? Wrong! They didn't plan on colonizing earth at all. So, you ask why should we give a damn about their race? Because they ended up here, that's why. It is said that the best discoveries are accidental. It seems that that saying also applies to interstellar invasion plans. *Author shrugs* Oh well.
I'd like to warn you that what you are about to read details skims over the invasion plans of the planet Bob and its leader Aiiiiieoguuuoiasaret. (Trust me, his name is easier to say than the name of their planet, even if it does sound like that noise Xena, Warrior Princess used to make all the time.) These plans aren't confirmed by any source you might encounter on this planet...well, 'cept me.
To the plans: [Insert a drum solo of introduction here] "Bum bum-bum..." whoops, I guess the drumming is over.