Lakeland Mirror

Issue date: 9/23/04 Section: Fun House

College is an experience that imprints unforgettable memories into your head along with tons of useless...(Oops, professors are reading this)...um, highly important information that you will certainly use in your future job. These experiences could be cut short if you are not prepared for the college roller-coaster ride.

Surviving college as a freshman has become a rigorous task that dates back to the Stone Age. The most important requirement to graduate was killing an animal. In those days, the freshman that didn't make the grade were eaten by animals or, if the days catch wasn't enough to feed the tribe, by their own professors.

Luckily, we have evolved since those harsh times and concentrate more on expanding the knowledge of our minds and not the strength of our muscles. Preparing to be educated by the ones who have degrees mounted on their walls (actually it could be a recipe for chicken ravioli, who looks at those things anyway?) is not an easy task, but do not fret. I have a simple list of ways that one can improve his or her effectiveness in the collegiate environment.

1.

Acquire books for cheaper costs. This will let you spend money on the more important college necessities such as pizza and caffeine (the college drug of choice). The best place to find cheap books is the merchant named Smiltky. The only way known in Lakeland folklore to contact him is to perform jumping jacks in the Laun center while balancing a goose on your head. Once this occurs, the long, grey bearded man will appear from out of the woodwork. He will show you many of the books that previous students have "lost," and you can purchase them for a small fee. The hardest part is the payment because he only accepts sticks of Secret deodorant (strong enough for a homeless, book stealing hermit, but made for a woman).

2.

Back to the pizza and caffeine (you didn't think I would have left that out). Pizza is the quintessential source of student sustenance. These circular slabs of cheese with other juicy components can be purchased in the Muskie Mart with the currency on our cards, which I like to call "fake money" because we do not see the leftover money at the end of the year. However, pizza is not the only item you can purchase with "fake money." The newly constructed Daily Grind accepts Muskie cards and also provides that necessary caffeine that will propel you through your action packed day of classes. Caffeine also comes in the form of soda (pop for you out-of-towners), mints, and even gum. Be careful you don't ingest too much of this miracle drug or else you could end up on top of the Bradley building wearing only your underwear and singing verses from Oklahoma!

3.

The most crucial part in staying through college is learning how to bribe your professors. At most schools, green pieces of paper with a non-presidential figure appearing on the front (Ben Franklin is on the 100 dollar bill) are acceptable to boost your grade. At Lakeland, this practice is below the standards of the highly ethical professors. Does this mean that Lakeland instructors cannot be swayed into increasing your GPA? Absolutely not, but it is more difficult than finding the upstairs bathrooms in Chase (trust me, they are there). The secret lies in obtaining the only items that professors at Lakeland treasure even more than their families (well, maybe not but you get the point): dry erase markers and chalk. If you doubt me, just ask Dr. Devaney about the number of marker funeral proceedings he holds per day. By providing the professors with a couple of these utensils each class period, you can boost your grade at least 50%.

4.

Another part of the college experience is parties, but if I need to inform you about the importance of parties, how to throw parties, what to do at parties, and the mere fact that I am saying parties way too much, then I believe you need to seek professional help.

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