2008 Woodie Awards
A monkey-wrench in the debates
A new candidate for president
Gina Covelli
Issue date: 10/21/04 Section: Fun House
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This year, American citizens are sitting on the edge of their seats, enthralled in suspense, biting their fingernails watching George Dubya and John Kerry duke it out at the presidential debates. I for one, had to watch the debates over again to fulfill my need for suspense. I am a suspense junkie.
However, as exciting as watching Dubya and Kerry fight almost to the death was, I must admit I was even more intrigued by the newest presidential candidate. Yes ladies and gentlemen, there is another presidential candidate.
He hails from the mountains in northern Montana. To his friends and family, he is Hank but to his political party, the Uni-tatters, he is known as the Very Happy Mountain Man.
The Very Happy Mountain Man looks like the pictures of Jesus that you see at religious stores, with long curly hair, a beard and many people who know him say he behaves in similar fashions to the almighty J.C. (if I get struck down by lightening for making that comparison, my sister gets my stereo).
The Very Happy Mountain Man has great plans for the future of our free nation. If elected to office, the Very Happy Mountain Man will make every day National Chocolate Day (this will change to International Chocolate Day after he takes over the world). He also plans to set a discounted price for all rides aboard the S.S. Gina, since the price is way out of anyone's league now. Many seamen are super thrilled about that one.
The Very Happy Mountain Man shared some of his long-term goals for this great nation. He plans on creating a week dedicated to educating the masses on how to properly prepare a potato ... with a peeler! The Very Happy Mountain Man would also love to see a world without drive through windows and self-checkouts. "Self-checkouts are just way too impersonal, Batman," says The Very Happy Mountain Man. He would like to see humans interacting with humans more than machines. That is why he plans on taking Bill Gates out at the knees.
After creating a very happy nation here, The Very Happy Mountain Man does indeed plan to take over the world. I can't really reveal the details of his plans without compromising his campaign. However, I can tell you that Plan A requires several baseball bats and Plan B requires millions of machetes. Both plans have fire (Holy Aim and Flame Batman!!) and robots (Danger Will Robinson). I mean, those are just a necessity when taking over the world. The Very Happy Mountain Man would also like to see all military organizations transformed into trumpet playing, cape wearing crusaders brandishing swords of justice.
However, as exciting as watching Dubya and Kerry fight almost to the death was, I must admit I was even more intrigued by the newest presidential candidate. Yes ladies and gentlemen, there is another presidential candidate.
He hails from the mountains in northern Montana. To his friends and family, he is Hank but to his political party, the Uni-tatters, he is known as the Very Happy Mountain Man.
The Very Happy Mountain Man looks like the pictures of Jesus that you see at religious stores, with long curly hair, a beard and many people who know him say he behaves in similar fashions to the almighty J.C. (if I get struck down by lightening for making that comparison, my sister gets my stereo).
The Very Happy Mountain Man has great plans for the future of our free nation. If elected to office, the Very Happy Mountain Man will make every day National Chocolate Day (this will change to International Chocolate Day after he takes over the world). He also plans to set a discounted price for all rides aboard the S.S. Gina, since the price is way out of anyone's league now. Many seamen are super thrilled about that one.
The Very Happy Mountain Man shared some of his long-term goals for this great nation. He plans on creating a week dedicated to educating the masses on how to properly prepare a potato ... with a peeler! The Very Happy Mountain Man would also love to see a world without drive through windows and self-checkouts. "Self-checkouts are just way too impersonal, Batman," says The Very Happy Mountain Man. He would like to see humans interacting with humans more than machines. That is why he plans on taking Bill Gates out at the knees.
After creating a very happy nation here, The Very Happy Mountain Man does indeed plan to take over the world. I can't really reveal the details of his plans without compromising his campaign. However, I can tell you that Plan A requires several baseball bats and Plan B requires millions of machetes. Both plans have fire (Holy Aim and Flame Batman!!) and robots (Danger Will Robinson). I mean, those are just a necessity when taking over the world. The Very Happy Mountain Man would also like to see all military organizations transformed into trumpet playing, cape wearing crusaders brandishing swords of justice.