2008 Woodie Awards
Q&A with a candidate
Write-in Candidate Corey Kempf sits down with the Mirror
Corey Kempf
Issue date: 10/21/04 Section: Fun House
- Page 1 of 1
A few days after the Very Happy Mountain Man declared his candidacy for President, Corey Kempf, a college student here at Lakeland, has declared himself a candidate as well.
Kempf is running under the Official Write-In Party banner, which is not an official party of the United States but does consider itself one.
The Lakeland Mirror was lucky enough to sit down with this new Presidential hopeful.
Lakeland Mirror: You're a 20-year old student of Lakeland College and are ineligible to become President for another 15 years, why are you running?
Corey Kempf: We at the Official Write-In Party found a loophole in the voting process called the write-in vote. I figured if Mickey Mouse, a cartoon character, can get a good percentage of the national vote, mostly I bet from those crazy Floridians, and George W. Bush can get votes on the Democratic Primaries, then why can't I get votes despite being underage?
LM: Not a bad point.
CK: I would also like it to be known that I will not be campaigning in Florida.
LM: But what makes a man who is not old enough to run and is a member of a political party not sanctioned by the U.S. a good candidate?
CK: I'm better than Martin Sheen.
LM: He's not a real pres-
CK: ...And interns. Being president's all about drama, not about having a First Lady that can talk for you and make decisions for you.
LM: Fair enough. How do you describe your views?
CK: Hmm...correct.
LM: What are your views?
CK: Depends on which one you're asking about.
LM: How about health care?
CK: Life should be painless for everyone. It's our job to keep the time before death as comfortable as possible, unless you put too much lighter fluid on a grill and set yourself on fire, then we can't keep it comfortable.
LM: Terrorism?
CK: You know, I haven't seen a movie that I've honestly been scared by; I think the quality of horror movies has diminished.
LM: Environment?
CK: If I could require every drunk guy to urinate on a tree, I'd feel like I've reached a great achievement.
LM: Taxes?
CK: I think another Boston Tea Party is in order, that seems fun.
LM: How about the other candidates?
CK: Their strategies are simple: pretend you have a solid plan and 3 years later mess everything up. Bush's foreign policy sucks, I'm still not sure where Kerry stands on anything, and I think I saw a bird nesting in that Mountain Man's beard. They come up with plans that are way too hard to achieve. All I'm asking you to do is pee on a tree.
LM: What do peop-
CK: Pee on a tree. Pee on a tree.
LM: Thank you.
CK: No problem.
LM: What do people think about you running?
CK: People tell me that I'm a bit scatterbrained, and I usually respond by saying, "Hey, man, I'll scatter your brains!" Hey that's a pretty good campaign slogan, "Vote Kempf in 2004: I'll scatter your brains!"
LM: What do you look-
CK: Whatever happened to campaign slogans anyway? "I like Ike" and that? That's genius. I wish my name was Ike.
LM: Indeed. What do you look to gain out of the election?
CK: Interns. I already answered that.
LM: Is there anything else you plan to do as President?
CK: Ban that song from Married...with Children, you know the one that goes "love and marriage, love and marriage...can't have one without the other?" You can have one without the other; I've been in love without being married. It's just plain silly.
LM: But that's a really old show.
CK: No matter. The song still gets stuck in my head.
LM: Anything else?
CK: Change my name to Ike.
LM: Anything pertaining to the people?
CK: Pee on a tree. I'm Corey Kempf and I'm working for you, America.
LM: Did you just end the interview?
CK: Yeah, Days is on.
Kempf is running under the Official Write-In Party banner, which is not an official party of the United States but does consider itself one.
The Lakeland Mirror was lucky enough to sit down with this new Presidential hopeful.
Lakeland Mirror: You're a 20-year old student of Lakeland College and are ineligible to become President for another 15 years, why are you running?
Corey Kempf: We at the Official Write-In Party found a loophole in the voting process called the write-in vote. I figured if Mickey Mouse, a cartoon character, can get a good percentage of the national vote, mostly I bet from those crazy Floridians, and George W. Bush can get votes on the Democratic Primaries, then why can't I get votes despite being underage?
LM: Not a bad point.
CK: I would also like it to be known that I will not be campaigning in Florida.
LM: But what makes a man who is not old enough to run and is a member of a political party not sanctioned by the U.S. a good candidate?
CK: I'm better than Martin Sheen.
LM: He's not a real pres-
CK: ...And interns. Being president's all about drama, not about having a First Lady that can talk for you and make decisions for you.
LM: Fair enough. How do you describe your views?
CK: Hmm...correct.
LM: What are your views?
CK: Depends on which one you're asking about.
LM: How about health care?
CK: Life should be painless for everyone. It's our job to keep the time before death as comfortable as possible, unless you put too much lighter fluid on a grill and set yourself on fire, then we can't keep it comfortable.
LM: Terrorism?
CK: You know, I haven't seen a movie that I've honestly been scared by; I think the quality of horror movies has diminished.
LM: Environment?
CK: If I could require every drunk guy to urinate on a tree, I'd feel like I've reached a great achievement.
LM: Taxes?
CK: I think another Boston Tea Party is in order, that seems fun.
LM: How about the other candidates?
CK: Their strategies are simple: pretend you have a solid plan and 3 years later mess everything up. Bush's foreign policy sucks, I'm still not sure where Kerry stands on anything, and I think I saw a bird nesting in that Mountain Man's beard. They come up with plans that are way too hard to achieve. All I'm asking you to do is pee on a tree.
LM: What do peop-
CK: Pee on a tree. Pee on a tree.
LM: Thank you.
CK: No problem.
LM: What do people think about you running?
CK: People tell me that I'm a bit scatterbrained, and I usually respond by saying, "Hey, man, I'll scatter your brains!" Hey that's a pretty good campaign slogan, "Vote Kempf in 2004: I'll scatter your brains!"
LM: What do you look-
CK: Whatever happened to campaign slogans anyway? "I like Ike" and that? That's genius. I wish my name was Ike.
LM: Indeed. What do you look to gain out of the election?
CK: Interns. I already answered that.
LM: Is there anything else you plan to do as President?
CK: Ban that song from Married...with Children, you know the one that goes "love and marriage, love and marriage...can't have one without the other?" You can have one without the other; I've been in love without being married. It's just plain silly.
LM: But that's a really old show.
CK: No matter. The song still gets stuck in my head.
LM: Anything else?
CK: Change my name to Ike.
LM: Anything pertaining to the people?
CK: Pee on a tree. I'm Corey Kempf and I'm working for you, America.
LM: Did you just end the interview?
CK: Yeah, Days is on.