2008 Woodie Awards
Horoscopes
Dylan Larsen
Issue date: 12/7/06 Section: Fun House
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Aries
Mars, Roman god of war and the red planet, is the ruling planet for Aries. The glyph for Mars is the symbol for male, which looks like a... spear and shield together shaped like... help me, Freud.
Taurus
In an amazing turn of events, Tauruses across the world spontaneously became vastly more entertaining and interesting people. So far they've beat brick-painting and are working to out-do John Denver music.
Gemini
Symbolically, Gemini are the twins. That makes me wonder, if two Gemini make love, is it an orgy or incest?
Cancer
What do you call a pile of Cancers laying next to a piles of Pisces? A seafood buffet!
Leo
Did you know a lion's roar can be heard up to five miles away? What? What!? Is this thing on?
Virgo
Play video games and go out with friends. Is that overdoing it? Uh, you can always edit something or study...more.
Libra
Libras are strongly associated with cypress trees. To save the indigenous forests, I propose we forget the pine and wrap Christmas lights around YOU. Bright idea?
Scorpio
Scorpio foodstuffs include onions and cayenne pepper. Perfect. Smelly and spicy, like Scorpios, except Gina.
Sagittarius
I see a dark shadow in the stars, but who cares? Happy Birthday! What else matters? Party time!
Capricorn
If you want to succeed at work, and I know you do, mix business and pleasure. I would advise golfing with your boss (but I'm not a sadist). Be creative - go boxing with your boss or base-jumping.
Aquarius
The ruling planet for Aquarius is Uranus, also Roman god of skies. Hehe, Uranus...get it. Your...
Pisces
So the other night, I was at this fancy restaurant, sipping Merlot. I ordered a two fish dinner. Two fish? I ATE YOU! Mwahahaha!
Mars, Roman god of war and the red planet, is the ruling planet for Aries. The glyph for Mars is the symbol for male, which looks like a... spear and shield together shaped like... help me, Freud.
Taurus
In an amazing turn of events, Tauruses across the world spontaneously became vastly more entertaining and interesting people. So far they've beat brick-painting and are working to out-do John Denver music.
Gemini
Symbolically, Gemini are the twins. That makes me wonder, if two Gemini make love, is it an orgy or incest?
Cancer
What do you call a pile of Cancers laying next to a piles of Pisces? A seafood buffet!
Leo
Did you know a lion's roar can be heard up to five miles away? What? What!? Is this thing on?
Virgo
Play video games and go out with friends. Is that overdoing it? Uh, you can always edit something or study...more.
Libra
Libras are strongly associated with cypress trees. To save the indigenous forests, I propose we forget the pine and wrap Christmas lights around YOU. Bright idea?
Scorpio
Scorpio foodstuffs include onions and cayenne pepper. Perfect. Smelly and spicy, like Scorpios, except Gina.
Sagittarius
I see a dark shadow in the stars, but who cares? Happy Birthday! What else matters? Party time!
Capricorn
If you want to succeed at work, and I know you do, mix business and pleasure. I would advise golfing with your boss (but I'm not a sadist). Be creative - go boxing with your boss or base-jumping.
Aquarius
The ruling planet for Aquarius is Uranus, also Roman god of skies. Hehe, Uranus...get it. Your...
Pisces
So the other night, I was at this fancy restaurant, sipping Merlot. I ordered a two fish dinner. Two fish? I ATE YOU! Mwahahaha!
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