2008 Woodie Awards
Horoscopes
Dylan Larsen
Issue date: 2/15/07 Section: Fun House
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Aries
You are selfish and full of yourself, but no one can blame you like no one blames a baby for crying. You just cry louder and about everything.
Taurus
As stubborn as you are reliable, you are like a suspension bridge that resists all except the most trying of circumstances, like someone taking favorite toys.
Gemini
Keeping in mind your attention span, I'll keep this short...
Cancer
So I realize that you don't like being told to go cry, either way you won't let anyone catch you. Some real advice: Get caught. Your friends can't but love you, and they take joy in offering you support... ahem, crybaby.
Leo
Leos love to be praised. They vastly appreciate gifts of all varieties, especially flowers like dandelions, pussy willows or even catnip. So yeah, I'm no botanist.
Virgo
Particularly meticulous! Virgo's pay the strictest attention to detail for example; you'll notice in a Virgos homework not a single error in spelling or punctuation,
Libra
To pander to indecisiveness of the average Libra, I offer two horoscopes: (A) You are a zebra, or (B) You cannot make up your mind. Make your choice carefully.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius is infamous for their lack of subtlety and brutal verbal clumsiness that they bring to the most innocent of situations, for example: "What a wonderful dress to hide your fat booty!" or "A very intelligent remark, I didn't expect that from you."
Scorpio
I've discovered I am psychic, but only for Scorpios. I have to tell you it sounds like fun but that's disgusting, you pervert.
Capricorn
As I flash my fire about, scattered wastefully across the lawn, I watch you Capricorns from time to time. As astrologers have said long before me, you will always win, because you keep at it. Keep up the good work.
Aquarius
Aquarius is a resident of La-la-land. The live-in scientist of teddy bears and rainbows. What this says about them, I don't know. But you have to respect a meteorologist who lives in the clouds.
Pisces
The dreamy little ones are so lost in this world they choose their dreams over this place. To them I have only one thing to say: The Matrix has you...
You are selfish and full of yourself, but no one can blame you like no one blames a baby for crying. You just cry louder and about everything.
Taurus
As stubborn as you are reliable, you are like a suspension bridge that resists all except the most trying of circumstances, like someone taking favorite toys.
Gemini
Keeping in mind your attention span, I'll keep this short...
Cancer
So I realize that you don't like being told to go cry, either way you won't let anyone catch you. Some real advice: Get caught. Your friends can't but love you, and they take joy in offering you support... ahem, crybaby.
Leo
Leos love to be praised. They vastly appreciate gifts of all varieties, especially flowers like dandelions, pussy willows or even catnip. So yeah, I'm no botanist.
Virgo
Particularly meticulous! Virgo's pay the strictest attention to detail for example; you'll notice in a Virgos homework not a single error in spelling or punctuation,
Libra
To pander to indecisiveness of the average Libra, I offer two horoscopes: (A) You are a zebra, or (B) You cannot make up your mind. Make your choice carefully.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius is infamous for their lack of subtlety and brutal verbal clumsiness that they bring to the most innocent of situations, for example: "What a wonderful dress to hide your fat booty!" or "A very intelligent remark, I didn't expect that from you."
Scorpio
I've discovered I am psychic, but only for Scorpios. I have to tell you it sounds like fun but that's disgusting, you pervert.
Capricorn
As I flash my fire about, scattered wastefully across the lawn, I watch you Capricorns from time to time. As astrologers have said long before me, you will always win, because you keep at it. Keep up the good work.
Aquarius
Aquarius is a resident of La-la-land. The live-in scientist of teddy bears and rainbows. What this says about them, I don't know. But you have to respect a meteorologist who lives in the clouds.
Pisces
The dreamy little ones are so lost in this world they choose their dreams over this place. To them I have only one thing to say: The Matrix has you...
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