2008 Woodie Awards
Accomplish the impossible with Vodka
Brian Moser
Issue date: 3/1/07 Section: Fun House
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Alcohol has many effects on the human body. It will impair your motor skills, slur your speech, and help you catch sharks. If you don't believe the last one, then you haven't heard the story of Phillip Kerkhof.
Off the coast of Australia, Phillip Kerkhof was fishing for squid off a jetty with a few of his buddies and spotted a whaler shark swimming in the shallows.
Phillip decided he would try and catch the shark with his bare hands. The shark was a paltry four feet compared to other sharks like Jaws, who was apparently as big as the Titanic.
"I just snuck up behind him, and eventually I went for the big grab and I fluked it and got him," Phillip said.
Those crazy Australians always catch things with their bare hands like the late Steve Irwin, who always just used his hands to snatch any critter to observe. The most interesting part about Phillip's adventure was not that he used his hands.
"He was just thrashing around in the water… starting to turn around and try to bite me and I thought 'well, it's amazing what vodka does,'" Phillip said.
What makes vodka the super tonic that helps you catch sharks? Can vodka help you with any other almost impossible feat?
To test this theory, I decided to try a feat so impossible it even brought Superman to his knees: watch the movie "Gigli" all the way through. This flick is so bad that it has appeared on many people's list of worst movies of all time, and I don't think any of them have even watched it.
After a few screwdrivers (I can't drink vodka straight, I am not Australian), I popped the movie into the DVD player. The DVD player then popped the disc back out. After the fifth try, the DVD player finally gave up and played the movie.
It should be noted that I am of legal age to consume alcohol. It is also noted that there were people watching me in case of vomiting, nose bleeds, or retina detachment, which are all caused by watching "Gigli."
It should thirdly be noted that upon renting the movie, I had to sign waivers and contracts involving the video store not being liable for any injuries sustained during the viewing of "Gigli." In addition, I had to meet with a lawyer about my will. Even though these were the formal procedures for renting the movie, it still took at least three hours to finally get the movie into my hands.
Off the coast of Australia, Phillip Kerkhof was fishing for squid off a jetty with a few of his buddies and spotted a whaler shark swimming in the shallows.
Phillip decided he would try and catch the shark with his bare hands. The shark was a paltry four feet compared to other sharks like Jaws, who was apparently as big as the Titanic.
"I just snuck up behind him, and eventually I went for the big grab and I fluked it and got him," Phillip said.
Those crazy Australians always catch things with their bare hands like the late Steve Irwin, who always just used his hands to snatch any critter to observe. The most interesting part about Phillip's adventure was not that he used his hands.
"He was just thrashing around in the water… starting to turn around and try to bite me and I thought 'well, it's amazing what vodka does,'" Phillip said.
What makes vodka the super tonic that helps you catch sharks? Can vodka help you with any other almost impossible feat?
To test this theory, I decided to try a feat so impossible it even brought Superman to his knees: watch the movie "Gigli" all the way through. This flick is so bad that it has appeared on many people's list of worst movies of all time, and I don't think any of them have even watched it.
After a few screwdrivers (I can't drink vodka straight, I am not Australian), I popped the movie into the DVD player. The DVD player then popped the disc back out. After the fifth try, the DVD player finally gave up and played the movie.
It should be noted that I am of legal age to consume alcohol. It is also noted that there were people watching me in case of vomiting, nose bleeds, or retina detachment, which are all caused by watching "Gigli."
It should thirdly be noted that upon renting the movie, I had to sign waivers and contracts involving the video store not being liable for any injuries sustained during the viewing of "Gigli." In addition, I had to meet with a lawyer about my will. Even though these were the formal procedures for renting the movie, it still took at least three hours to finally get the movie into my hands.
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