2008 Woodie Awards
Horoscopes
Dylan Larsen
Issue date: 3/1/07 Section: Fun House
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Aries
To recognize this child of the stars, look for the distinctive ram's horn shape across their brow. Another characteristic trait is the blood splatter from their last head-butt against a brick wall, but that's a very determined Aries.
Taurus
As a kid, I witnessed a bully pick on a Taurus classmate. The Taurus little boy just stood there as stubborn as he could muster. After about an hour of yelling and shoving, the bully just gave up. Who's the Bull-y now?
Gemini
The Gemini quality to escape retribution is their delectable charm. If you think I'm wrong, both Marilyn Monroe and JFK were both Gemini's.
Cancer
Attention, X-Filers! The sign Cancer is ruled by the Moon. If trying to catch a werewolf, throw a birthday party everyday from June 22nd till July 23rd.
Leo
I think all Leos should be required to style their hair like a lion's mane. That way they will all look great and we know to stay out of their way.
Virgo
A point of interest for anyone flirting with a Virgo: You are not perfect; however, perfect is exactly what their looking for. As long as you understand that, have fun and watch your manners…and your punctuation.
Libra
I say Libras are the luckiest of all the signs. They're all born under Venus, the second planet from the sun and the Roman goddess of love. Luck, I tell you. I'd give anything to be under the goddess of love.
Scorpio
Pretty much every Scorpio is saturated with seductive magnetism; which is a good thing, unless you're not into a kinky, lurid and questionable evening in the boudoir.
Sagittarius
The Sagittarian soul is the truest definition of idealism. If ever a person learns to fly by simply believing that they can, it will be one of this sign.
Capricorn
If you ever question the truth behind the Capricorn's obsessive and addictive workaholism, remember Joan of Arc was a Capricorn.
Aquarius
Curious killed the Aquarius…It doesn't have the same ring, but nonetheless cold and observant curiosity makes them great scientists and wonderful cats.
Pisces
It's time to celebrate. Happy Birthday! Unless you're day is Feb. 29, then just go away.
To recognize this child of the stars, look for the distinctive ram's horn shape across their brow. Another characteristic trait is the blood splatter from their last head-butt against a brick wall, but that's a very determined Aries.
Taurus
As a kid, I witnessed a bully pick on a Taurus classmate. The Taurus little boy just stood there as stubborn as he could muster. After about an hour of yelling and shoving, the bully just gave up. Who's the Bull-y now?
Gemini
The Gemini quality to escape retribution is their delectable charm. If you think I'm wrong, both Marilyn Monroe and JFK were both Gemini's.
Cancer
Attention, X-Filers! The sign Cancer is ruled by the Moon. If trying to catch a werewolf, throw a birthday party everyday from June 22nd till July 23rd.
Leo
I think all Leos should be required to style their hair like a lion's mane. That way they will all look great and we know to stay out of their way.
Virgo
A point of interest for anyone flirting with a Virgo: You are not perfect; however, perfect is exactly what their looking for. As long as you understand that, have fun and watch your manners…and your punctuation.
Libra
I say Libras are the luckiest of all the signs. They're all born under Venus, the second planet from the sun and the Roman goddess of love. Luck, I tell you. I'd give anything to be under the goddess of love.
Scorpio
Pretty much every Scorpio is saturated with seductive magnetism; which is a good thing, unless you're not into a kinky, lurid and questionable evening in the boudoir.
Sagittarius
The Sagittarian soul is the truest definition of idealism. If ever a person learns to fly by simply believing that they can, it will be one of this sign.
Capricorn
If you ever question the truth behind the Capricorn's obsessive and addictive workaholism, remember Joan of Arc was a Capricorn.
Aquarius
Curious killed the Aquarius…It doesn't have the same ring, but nonetheless cold and observant curiosity makes them great scientists and wonderful cats.
Pisces
It's time to celebrate. Happy Birthday! Unless you're day is Feb. 29, then just go away.
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