2008 Woodie Awards
The untold truth about Chuck Reinhold Norris
Debunking the myth that is the legend of Chuck Norris
Brandon Ezzard
Issue date: 3/1/07 Section: Fun House
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There have been many great people throughout modern American history. Yakov Smirnoff, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Jane Fonda come to mind.
But none can compare to the Americaness that is Chuck Norris. For those of you who don't know who Chuck Norris is, first, let me welcome you to your first day in the world, and second, Chuck Norris can be summed up simply in one word: "Legend of All Things Awesome."
Okay, so five words.
But lately, I have become a little sad and by a little sad I mean I literally ran to my room and sobbed uncontrollably into my pillow while listening to Tori Amos. Why would I do this you ask?
For one thing, they killed off Simone on "Heroes" and the other reason is Chuck Norris' name has been horrendously slandered. Perhaps you have come across websites that generate random Chuck Norris facts or as I like to call them, pure bull mess.
There is one site that says Chuck Norris has two speeds which allegedly are walk and kill. Another has claimed Chuck Norris starts each day with a balanced breakfast of cereal, toast, and a whole kitten.
These poo stains on Chuck Norris' legacy are getting out of hand and quite frankly, I can't take it anymore. So after months of painstaking research, (mostly on Wikipedia), I have found enough factual evidence on Chuck Norris' life to educate us all.
After you finish reading this, I think you will see that Chuck Norris is a human being like the rest of us.
Chuck Reinhold Norris was born in McQuade, Oklahoma. Chuck wasn't breathing right away, so the doctor slapped him on his butt.
That doctor had to eat using his feet for the rest of his life.
When he was six, Chuck wanted to deliver newspapers but was told he was too young. So he created his own business called "Chucky Norris' Door to Door Sasquatch Killing Service."
The business still thrives today serving all of North America and is a Fortune 500 company. Chuck Norris is the only employee, though he occasionally accepts interns.
But none can compare to the Americaness that is Chuck Norris. For those of you who don't know who Chuck Norris is, first, let me welcome you to your first day in the world, and second, Chuck Norris can be summed up simply in one word: "Legend of All Things Awesome."
Okay, so five words.
But lately, I have become a little sad and by a little sad I mean I literally ran to my room and sobbed uncontrollably into my pillow while listening to Tori Amos. Why would I do this you ask?
For one thing, they killed off Simone on "Heroes" and the other reason is Chuck Norris' name has been horrendously slandered. Perhaps you have come across websites that generate random Chuck Norris facts or as I like to call them, pure bull mess.
There is one site that says Chuck Norris has two speeds which allegedly are walk and kill. Another has claimed Chuck Norris starts each day with a balanced breakfast of cereal, toast, and a whole kitten.
These poo stains on Chuck Norris' legacy are getting out of hand and quite frankly, I can't take it anymore. So after months of painstaking research, (mostly on Wikipedia), I have found enough factual evidence on Chuck Norris' life to educate us all.
After you finish reading this, I think you will see that Chuck Norris is a human being like the rest of us.
Chuck Reinhold Norris was born in McQuade, Oklahoma. Chuck wasn't breathing right away, so the doctor slapped him on his butt.
That doctor had to eat using his feet for the rest of his life.
When he was six, Chuck wanted to deliver newspapers but was told he was too young. So he created his own business called "Chucky Norris' Door to Door Sasquatch Killing Service."
The business still thrives today serving all of North America and is a Fortune 500 company. Chuck Norris is the only employee, though he occasionally accepts interns.
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