2008 Woodie Awards
Horoscopes
Dylan Larsen
Issue date: 4/12/07 Section: Fun House
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Aries
Money is not you incentive for working. You are only concerned with being paid what you're worth. Unfortunately, Fort Knox cannot be YOUR payroll.
Taurus
Never call a Taurus "stubborn." Don't be confused either; they are stubborn. But arguing about it will take years off your life.
Gemini
Symbolically as "the Twins," a Gemini Walt Whitman once said, "Do I contradict myself?... I contain multitudes." Curious?
Cancer
Cancers are sweet and loving people surrounded by a protective shell. They're like some candies - crispy on the outside, but sweet on the inside.
Leo
Leos think the world revolves around them. It's a good thing that it's not true; otherwise the Earth would spiral into the sun, which is your sign's ruler.
Virgo
The flora and fauna associated with Virgos include lavender and cats. Consequently, I hold Virgos responsible for nice-smelling soap and my fuzzy kitty. I like Virgos.
Libra
1 + 2 = 3. (1) Libras hide aggression behind their cheerful exterior. (2) Mint is associated with Libras. (3) Drink 2 in tea to alleviate 1. Math is fun and healthy.
Scorpio
Little known fact: All trees are associated with Scorpios. I don't why but, at least, you have the monopoly on Arbor Day!
Sagittarius
It is your disposition as is, but always be yourself. Always be full of life and always carefree, like the gum.
Capricorn
It is well known that the devotion and dedication of Capricorns have yielded some of most astounding successes in history. Among the pantheon are Martin Luther King Jr. and Joan of Arc, not to forget the influences of Dolly Parton and Ricky Martin.
Aquarius
You appear to others as cool and glamorous. Sometimes, you may also seem remote and unreachable like the Statue of Liberty, ogres, or the guy from the Aviator.
Pisces
When things in your life go awry, you instantly become evasive and hide. While this causes problems in relationships, you would make an impressive stealth bomber.
Money is not you incentive for working. You are only concerned with being paid what you're worth. Unfortunately, Fort Knox cannot be YOUR payroll.
Taurus
Never call a Taurus "stubborn." Don't be confused either; they are stubborn. But arguing about it will take years off your life.
Gemini
Symbolically as "the Twins," a Gemini Walt Whitman once said, "Do I contradict myself?... I contain multitudes." Curious?
Cancer
Cancers are sweet and loving people surrounded by a protective shell. They're like some candies - crispy on the outside, but sweet on the inside.
Leo
Leos think the world revolves around them. It's a good thing that it's not true; otherwise the Earth would spiral into the sun, which is your sign's ruler.
Virgo
The flora and fauna associated with Virgos include lavender and cats. Consequently, I hold Virgos responsible for nice-smelling soap and my fuzzy kitty. I like Virgos.
Libra
1 + 2 = 3. (1) Libras hide aggression behind their cheerful exterior. (2) Mint is associated with Libras. (3) Drink 2 in tea to alleviate 1. Math is fun and healthy.
Scorpio
Little known fact: All trees are associated with Scorpios. I don't why but, at least, you have the monopoly on Arbor Day!
Sagittarius
It is your disposition as is, but always be yourself. Always be full of life and always carefree, like the gum.
Capricorn
It is well known that the devotion and dedication of Capricorns have yielded some of most astounding successes in history. Among the pantheon are Martin Luther King Jr. and Joan of Arc, not to forget the influences of Dolly Parton and Ricky Martin.
Aquarius
You appear to others as cool and glamorous. Sometimes, you may also seem remote and unreachable like the Statue of Liberty, ogres, or the guy from the Aviator.
Pisces
When things in your life go awry, you instantly become evasive and hide. While this causes problems in relationships, you would make an impressive stealth bomber.
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