2008 Woodie Awards
How Fido got his groove back
Beau Markut
Issue date: 9/20/07 Section: Sports
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Okay, just relax. I know this is your first time on the stand, but just try to breathe… I mean pant. We will just start off with an easy question. Would you please state your name to the ladies and gentlemen of the jury?
Woof.
Fido? Well Mr. Fido, would you please tell me where you were Aug. 27 of this year?
Woof, woof bark yip bark. Woof bark woof.
You say that you were caged in a kennel on the defendant's property in Virginia? What was your purpose there?
Wimper woof woof whine bark yip.
You were starved mad and forced to kill other dogs?
Objection your honor! The prosecutor's council is narrating for the witness!
I am simply interpreting the witness' testimony in a means that would aid the jury of this case!
I will allow it. Objection overruled.
Now Mr. Fido, would you please elaborate on the setup of this alleged dog fighting ring?
Woof woof bark yip whine woof yip bark woof woof.
The losing dog would be taken out back and killed? In what ways were they killed?
Bark woof woof bark yip whine yip bark.
Electrocution, gunfire, drowning, and one time they picked your friend up over their head and repeatedly bashed him into the ground? Would you please signal to the jury which person was responsible for these doggy deaths. (A unified gasp escapes the mouths of the jurors). Would the record please show that the witness has pointed his paw, tongue, and tail at the defendant, Michael Vick.
Ladies and gentlemen, from this testimony you are able to get inside the sadistic mind of this seemingly role model quarterback.
Your honor, the defendant has requested to change his plea from not guilty to guilty.
Have you done this under your own free will and not been offered anything in exchange for your plea? Okay we will recess until sentencing.
Your honor, the defendant has requested extra security to combat the PETA mob that has formed outside.
You are done for today Fido. Now sit. Shake. Good boy, here's a treat.
Woof.
Fido? Well Mr. Fido, would you please tell me where you were Aug. 27 of this year?
Woof, woof bark yip bark. Woof bark woof.
You say that you were caged in a kennel on the defendant's property in Virginia? What was your purpose there?
Wimper woof woof whine bark yip.
You were starved mad and forced to kill other dogs?
Objection your honor! The prosecutor's council is narrating for the witness!
I am simply interpreting the witness' testimony in a means that would aid the jury of this case!
I will allow it. Objection overruled.
Now Mr. Fido, would you please elaborate on the setup of this alleged dog fighting ring?
Woof woof bark yip whine woof yip bark woof woof.
The losing dog would be taken out back and killed? In what ways were they killed?
Bark woof woof bark yip whine yip bark.
Electrocution, gunfire, drowning, and one time they picked your friend up over their head and repeatedly bashed him into the ground? Would you please signal to the jury which person was responsible for these doggy deaths. (A unified gasp escapes the mouths of the jurors). Would the record please show that the witness has pointed his paw, tongue, and tail at the defendant, Michael Vick.
Ladies and gentlemen, from this testimony you are able to get inside the sadistic mind of this seemingly role model quarterback.
Your honor, the defendant has requested to change his plea from not guilty to guilty.
Have you done this under your own free will and not been offered anything in exchange for your plea? Okay we will recess until sentencing.
Your honor, the defendant has requested extra security to combat the PETA mob that has formed outside.
You are done for today Fido. Now sit. Shake. Good boy, here's a treat.
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