Lakeland Mirror

Issue date: 12/6/07 Section: Fun House

Robby Claus appears as his baffled self, struggling with lights.

The holidays are in full swing and so is my cermudgeonous attitude that accompanies this time of year.
It's not that I don't like the holidays…well, actually I don't like the holidays. What's to like? It's a time filled with ridiculously cold weather, plastic decorations, annoying music, and little kids begging for toys they'll only play with once! Bah, Humbug!
The holiday season for me officially began on Nov 17; D-Day!
My wife, two daughters and I traditionally attend the "Santa wake-up festival" at our local shopping mall. This was the sixth miserable year for this nonsensical tradition.
This event consists of jolly 'ol Saint Nick "sleeping" in a recliner on stage while an overweight, balding local radio personality poorly and inaudibly reads "The Night Before Christmas." The kids really couldn't care less about the story. They want the master elf himself, Santa.
At the conclusion of the story, it's time to wake up Santa. Apparently the only way that this can be done is to have 3,456 screaming children armed with metal pans and wooden spoons make enough noise to frighten the cosmonauts on the space station.
After the jolly old elf awakens, greets, and scares the bejeezus out of all the snot-nosed little children, he proceeds to take his throne in center court and, in the spirit of Christmas, charge parents $27.95 for a lovely portrait package of their horrified children sitting on this stranger's lap.
If this happened any other time of year, charges would be filed against the parents and the children placed in protective custody.
After the visit with Santa, what better way to spend a Saturday afternoon than to "deck the halls?"
Yep, tree trimming time. Nothing says happy holidays like gaudy, plastic foliage displayed in your living room.
In my household, it's a rule that our artificial tree must be stored in the darkest, dustiest most spider-infested area of my use…the dreaded attic.
Search and rescue of this prized possession is not a feat for the weak of heart…I had my six-year-old get it.
When the tree is finally removed from its sacred resting spot, it's time for assembly.
Because my tree is old-school, there are approximately 13,568 pieces which need to be properly assembled in order to produce something resembling a tree.
Since the directions were lost sometime during the 1989 holiday season, proper assembly is impossible, and my tree resembles a poorly constructed shelter built by a first year boy scout lost in Yellowstone.
Once the tree is up, it is time for trimming. It's important to my wife that our tree be seen from at least 16 blocks away, so 30,000 twinkle lights need to be strung on its branches.
Last year my wife spent $225 on 30,000 twinkle lights guaranteed not to go out if one bulb burned out. We were duped!
Out of the 16 strings of lights we had, only half of one set worked, so off to Menard's to buy a brand new batch of twinkle lights that will again probably only make it one season.
This was only the beginning of the season and I had already used a multitude of four letter words, none of which were Noel.
The next event was "Black Friday." I don't know how many letters are in this phrase, but I think it needs to be changed to four.
Because I needed to buy some worthless trinket at a 95% savings, I braved the blistering cold to stand in line outside of a store at 3:30 a.m. with 400 other mentally insane individuals.
When the doors were opened I was violently trampled by a herd of women ravenously running to a display of DVD players being sold for $8.00.
When I finally regained consciousness, I made my way toward a display of Guitar Hero video games and grabbed the last one that I would proudly present to my daughter on Christmas morning.
Before I realized what was happening I was being beaten by a hoard of angry fathers trying to pry the box from my bloody hands. I was able to hang on to the game but, per the court order, I'm now required to undergo a psychiatric evaluation and Kohl's now has a restraining order against me. I apparently had a bit of a "blacked-out" Friday.
As the holidays progress I know I'll have to attend parties I don't want to go to, buy presents that I can't afford to buy, and spend countless hours assembling toys for my kids. Couple this with visiting relatives I don't like and eating foods I can't identify, insanity may be inevitable.
As you venture through your holiday season and approach the New Year, I bid you good luck.
If all's well that end's well, I'll see you on the other side of 2007.
Have a safe and happy holiday season.

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